While I was drawing a mandala today, unhappy with some decisions of shape and colours that I took, thinking how can I make it prettier, better, I realised something quite important, a big error in my judgement that affected all my life, and mostly how I felt about myself. I realised that, until now, for me it was more important to make things perfectly, to be perfect, to look perfect…. I was searching for perfection - which as we now, doesn’t exist. And this search made me suffer a lot, because I put so much pressure on myself - to reach that ideal perfection, the unreal and unreachable perfection…. whatever I did was not enough, I was not good enough, not even close to my unreachable goal. As a consequence I felt bad with myself, I had a poor image about myself, constantly criticising myself and feeling disappointed.
This error in my judgment was so strong that no matter what others told me, complimenting me or my work, I couldn't believe them, thinking “they don’t know how poorly my performance was, how much better it could have been”. Finally I remained with a bitter and sad taste, the taste of being angry with myself. And I learned to live with this anger, without even noticing it anymore. It was my constant inner state. I was angry with myself for the mistakes that I did, for things that I didn’t do, for the decisions that I took, for what I said, for what I didn’t say, for how I did my job, for not doing more, for doing too much, for being lazy, for judging others, for being afraid, for the qualities that I lack, for the defects that I have, for not knowing how to love, for not being able to speak honestly, for not being good enough, for not being perfect. And in this process I was surprised I was not happy, I was not loving myself, accepting myself or showing patience to myself. How could I when I was so focused on being angry and judging myself?
But now I see it, I see how these egos move inside me, and I know where they take me. Now I can choose to change, I can, with awareness, choose another path, the path of Consciousness, of Love, of Happiness. Because now I know that I am not searching for perfection, I am searching for Happiness. And I find happiness in every breath of air that I take, in the gentle touch of the wind, in the warmth of the sun, in the smile of a stranger, because all these are expressions of the divine mystery.